Although being a working mother is more widely accepted, moms still have working mom guilt. Mothers have so much pressure to not only provide for their families but also raise them.
I’m sure every mother has had comments made to them while at work about who was watching their children. Perhaps, being questioned about the safety of the daycare they are put in. Unfortunately, these questions are mainly aimed at women in the workforce. These judgments along with cultural bias create this mom guilt.
First and foremost, momma, you are not a bad mom for choosing to go to work. You are not a bad mom if you choose to stay home with your children.
The decision to stay home or work isn’t the quality of a bad mom. Stop making women feel “bad” for working. All moms who love and care for their children are GOOD moms.
Dana
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6 Tips for Overcoming Working Mom Guilt
Being a working mother is exhausting. These tips will help you overcome the guilt of being a working mother.
1. Define What Motherhood Looks Like For You
There isn’t a one size fits all in motherhood. Some women decide to be stay-at-home moms while others decide to work full-time. A mother may choose to work because she wants to have a career but others may have to due to financial reasons. Whatever the reason is you don’t have to justify it to others.
Define what motherhood looks like for you. It may look different than your best friend or that Instagram mom but THAT IS OKAY. Don’t compare yourself. Comparison is a thief of joy. Decide what motherhood looks like for you and don’t look back. You are not a bad mom because you decided to work. You are a good mom because you provide for your family and put food on the table. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for putting your family first and making sure their needs are met.
2. Reframe Your Thoughts
Reframing your thoughts is hard to do. In many parts of the country mothers working is viewed as negative. It is hard not to think you are a bad mom when this negativity is thrown at you.
Change your negative thoughts into positive ones. For example, instead of thinking that taking your child to daycare is “bad” because they aren’t with you, think about the benefits of daycare. Daycare gives them life and social skills they wouldn’t get to experience at home.
There are always two sides to every story. There is almost always a positive to every negative. Think about all of the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. If your negative thoughts are overwhelming seek out care from a healthcare professional.
3. Find Your Tribe
Raising children is challenging. Finding a group of people to support and help you makes parenting easier. This tribe may be family members or friends. It is a group of people you can count on to help, advise, and support you on your parenting journey. Knowing you aren’t alone and others have experienced what you are going through is vital to forming a strong support system.
4. Be Present
When your time is limited at home being fully present provides quality time with your family. Put down your phone and stop answering those emails. The quality of time you spend with your family is more important than the quantity of time you spend with them.
Engage your husband, call your aging parents, do science experiments with your children, and live in the moment. You will not regret these precious moments. No one on their deathbed ever says I wish I wouldn’t have spent that much time with my family. Being present will increase your mood, happiness, and overall life.
5. Get Organized
Being a working mother your time for work and family life is limited. You have to be ultra-efficient. Life can get overwhelming which may cause anxiety very quickly. One way to combat this is to get organized and maximize your time.
Find yourself a good planner and lay out your week and month. Knowing your obligations can help you better plan your week. Seeing what you have going on can also give you insight into where your time is being spent. Should you limit an obligation? Sharing a calendar with your partner is extremely helpful to get the family on the same page. Google has a great joint calendar you can download on your phone.
For example, when you know what your weeks look like, plan your meals for the week. Get your groceries for the whole week too.
Being organized makes you feel in control of your schedule and reduces the chaos.
6. Make Time for Yourself
Being a working mother you rarely find time for yourself. Between answering emails and making dinner there isn’t enough time in the day to recharge. Motherhood is draining so it is very important you incorporate self-care into your routine.
Making time for yourself is a form of self-care that is essential to our overall health. It is okay NOT to be busy and not selfish to say no. Implementing self-care into your routine supports your physical and mental health and overall happiness.
What is Working Mom Guilt?
When a mother works outside the home she may feel guilty for not being present for her children. She may have deep-rooted feelings about missing out on her child’s first steps or her first time trying blueberry pancakes.
Other times events trigger mom guilt like dropping off a crying child at daycare who wants to stay home or forgetting to put the paper you signed in your child’s backpack because you were busy getting ready for work. Or maybe a coworker, colleague, or bystander makes a comment about who watches the kids while you work?
Ultimately working mom guilt is the feeling mothers get when they feel like they should be with their kids instead of at work.
Am I Selfish if I Choose to Be a Working Mom?
No, you’re NOT SELFISH if you choose to be a working mother. Some women need a break from child rearing in order for them to be present mothers. They need time away from the home and that is okay. If that helps you love your children more and provide for them in a way you want to provide keep on doing what you are doing. Working mothers have an advantage over stay-at-home mothers in that if their husbands were to pass away, they would still be able to provide for their families.
If you have to be a working mother you are NOT SELFISH. Someone has to put food on the table and a roof over their head. Providing and protecting your children isn’t selfish. Most of us have to be working mothers due to financial restrictions. I will say it sucks that in this day and age, most families need two incomes. When finances come into play you don’t get the choice of whether to stay with your children or go to work. The choice is made for you and it can be heartbreaking.
Why do Mothers Have Working Mom Guilt?
Historically child rearing has been the women’s duty. Raising children and homemaking was our only job. To be frank, these tasks in themselves are full-time jobs. To try and break down thousands of years of this cultural idea of what a “good mother” and her job is can be difficult. It has been only recently in the last 100 years that women worked outside of the home.
Of course, when we think about the history of women it makes sense why people are averse to women not raising their children. Does that still make it okay that someone questions why you are at work and your kids are in daycare?! Absolutely not. Are things getting better? Yes, but feeling guilty because you can’t raise your children like you are expected to or want to cut you deep even if you do have a fulfilling career.
Is it possible to Find a Work-Life Balance?
For women work-life balance is an interesting topic. Generally speaking, women have to work much harder than men to gain respect and earn promotions. This means as a woman in the workforce you may put your work life before your home life in order to achieve your career goals. After a time, this creates an imbalance and you either hold resentment toward your job or your family.
For working moms trying to obtain a work-life balance can be challenging. It may look different for each woman. Some of the easiest ways to create this balance are to:
- Cut hours at work if possible and finances allow it
- Find a job that allows for flexibility
- Move closer to your job to reduce your commute time
- Say no to activities, events, or obligations that interfere with family time
- Spend quality time with your family
- Go on vacations or a staycation
- Limit answering work calls or emails after working hours
- When your working hours are over, leave.
- Take care of your physical and mental health
Ultimately, when we feel satisfied and fully present in our life, it will have positive impacts on our well-being and performance. If employers expect women feel like they need to work like they don’t have kids and raise children like they don’t work, the workforce will continue to foster working mom guilt.
Do Fathers Experience Working Father Guilt?
For the history of mankind, men have always left home, whether it be going out to hunt long ago or in more recent times, going out for a paycheck. Most men don’t experience working fatherhood guilt because their expectation is to work. No one is questioning them at work telling them they shouldn’t be at work but should be home with the kids. Or comments like I hope you found a daycare you trust.
However, as gender equality is changing and men and women are sharing child-rearing and household chores, more men are feeling working dad guilt. Men feel guilt because they don’t feel like they are spending enough time with their children.
Working Mom Guilt Wrap-Up
Having to overcome working mom guilt is HARD. Unfortunately, many women in the workplace have been judged for being at work rather than being home with their children. Women generally have to work harder and have to prove themselves more often than men and this results in an off-balance work and home life.
When your work becomes life and cultural bias reminds you that you aren’t a good mom because you’re not home with your children this can create working mom guilt.
To combat this guilt try to reframe your negative thoughts, get organized, find your support system, and make time for yourself.
Remember you are not selfish by working. Working or not working isn’t the characteristic of a bad mom.
